I'm not sure if this is sad or not, but while my PI is out of town, I feel myself giving myself a ton more peptalks to keep myself motivated.



The funny thing is that I actually don't interact with him all that much, maybe once a week when he asks if everything is going well. Usually in the bathroom. Not always at the sink... Essentially he's handed the reins over to me and wants to see what I can do. And I don't want to let him, or my family down. So I talk to myself in traffic. Sure, the people in the car next to me may ask themselves if they should be getting a little padded room ready for me. But I pump myself up, get ready to take on the world, or anything that gets in my way. I've got the tools to succeed, and dammit I'm going to make it.

And when I get to work I listen to music.



As the most senior lab member, I still get derailed by the usual crap (we need X done immediately, if not sooner), but I do it with much more authority while he's gone. I've also been told I look perpetually pissed off, but hey that just comes with the turf, I suppose. And if it gets people off my back, all the better. Just practicing for when I hit the big time, I suppose....

Post hump day pep talk

So, Although I think I'm in pretty good shape for my impending academic job search, I've come to realize that I'm not quite where I should be. Yes, I have my CV written. My PhD advisor taught me to keep it constantly updated and ready should it be needed, and even in my tender years I say the wisdom in her teachings. After all, chance favors the prepared mind....

I even finished a draft of a teaching statement based of an example someone was kind enough to give me. Although it's in a different discipline, I figure teaching is teaching.... And I'm retooling a mentored career grant for my research statement.

So I should be set, right?

No. Because I've got a hang up. I'm having a hard time asking for help/mentoring. I've always been a DIY, low-maintenance kinda guy, and I always feel awkward handing of drafts that are far from perfect. I never considered myself a perfectionist, but I do like to make a good impression.

So, as I embark upon what may be the most important six months of my career, I gotta take my advice from Risky Business (and perhaps date myself more than I'd like to admit)....

I officially suck

After all my promises to keep blogging through the pain of grant applications, research and other job responsibilities, I failed. Failed to not only write about my experiences, but also failed in keeping some semblance of sanity.

While I feel guilty about it, I didn't know what else to do. I was (and to some degree am still) so burned out that I simply couldn't wrap my brain around the concept of writing in my free time. Hell, I'd be happy if I could sleep in my "free time."

But I'm attempting to turn the page and move on. Partially because I think putting my thoughts down will be therapeutic, but mainly because I feel more in control now. I still have a shit-ton of work to do, and my list of things to do keeps growing. But at least I am able to complete some items and check them off the list.

Part of my attitude change comes from dividing my projects into smaller pieces so I'm able to pat myself on the back when I get something done. While that may be a somewhat telling of my psyche right now, I gotta do what I gotta do. And crossing things off a list feels a hell of a lot better than having a list that includes things like 1) put together job application portfolio, 2)write a K99, 3) finish a book chapter 4) write two review articles, 5) do cool research.

I'm now happy with simply getting an outline on paper. Finishing a draft. Sending documents out for others to review. Small, incremental steps though they may be, at least I'm moving forward.

This song (particularly this version) has apparently become the theme of my K99 application.... Can't say I understand how my mind works....